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  1. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower,                                           just go limp, because maybe you'll look                                         like a dummy and people will try to                                             catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  2. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I                                          think a cute thing to tell him is "God                                          is crying."  And if he asks why God is                                          crying, another cute thing to tell him                                          is "Probably because of something you                                           did."
  3. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except                                          there's no music, no choreography, and                                          the dancers hit each other.
  4. If trees could scream, would we be so                                           cavalier about cutting them down?  We                                           might, if they screamed all the time,                                           for no good reason.
  5. Better not take a dog on the Space                                              Shuttle, because if he sticks his head                                          out when you're coming home his face                                            might burn up.
  6. To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact,                                           they're kinda scary.  I've wondered where                                       this started, and I think it goes back                                          to the time I went to the circus and a                                          clown killed my dad.
  7. I'd like to see a nude opera, because                                           when they hit those high notes I bet you                                        can really see it in those genitals.
  8. Contrary to popular belief, the most                                            dangerous animal is not the lion or                                             tiger or even the elephant.  The most                                           dangerous animal is a shark riding on an                                        elephant, just trampling and eating                                             everything they see.
  9. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a                                           crisp juiciness about it that was very                                          pleasurable - until I realized it                                               wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN                                          HEAD!!
  10. If you ever teach a yodeling class,                                             probably the hardest thing is to keep                                           the students from just trying to yodel                                          right off. You see, we build to that.
  11. Is there anything more beautiful than a                                         beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying                                           across in front of a beautiful sunset?                                          And he's carrying a beautiful rose in                                           his beak, and also he's carrying a very                                         beautiful painting with his feet.  And                                          also, you're drunk.
  12. I guess of all my uncles, I liked                                               Uncle Cave Man the best.  We called him                                         Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a                                            cave and because sometimes he'd eat one                                         of us. Later on we found out he was a                                           bear.
  13. Anytime I see something screech across                                          a room and latch onto someone's neck,                                           and the guy screams and tries to get it                                         off, I have to laugh, because what is                                           that thing?!
  14. In weightlifting, I don't think sudden,                                         uncontrolled urination should                                                   automatically disqualify you.
  15. If your a horse, and someone gets on                                            you, and falls off, and then gets right                                         back on you, I think you should buck                                            him off right away.
  16. If you define cowardice as running away                                         at the first sign of danger, screaming                                          and tripping and begging for mercy,                                             then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am                                        a coward.
  17. Blow ye winds,                                                                  Like the trumpet blows;                                                         But without that noise.
  18. I wish a robot would get elected                                                President.  That way, when he came to                                           town, we could all take a shot at him                                           and not feel too bad.
  19. When the age of the Vikings came to a                                           close, they must have sensed it.                                                Probably, they gathered together one                                            evening, slapped each other on the back                                         and said, "Hey, good job."
  20. If you go parachuting, and your                                                 parachute doesn't open, and your friends                                        are all watching you fall, I think a                                            funny gag would be to pretend you were                                          swimming.
  21. I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out                              every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles                              to that old board of his.  Then he'd spin it round                              and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter                               where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles                             is a winner!"  We all thought he was crazy.  But then,                          we had some growing up to do.
  22. The face of a child can say it all,                                             especially the mouth part of the face.
  23. I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because                                        then you could keep both Dracula and                                            Superman away.
  24. I wouldn't want to be a giant, because                                          the only movies you could see would be                                          at the drive-in; and hey -                                                      you'd probably crush some cars.
  25. Too bad you can't just grab a tree by                                           the very tiptop and bend it clear over                                          the ground and then let her fly, because                                        I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff                                          that comes flying out.
  26. When I heard that trees grow a new                                              "ring" for each year they live, I                                               thought, we humans are kind of like                                             that: we grow a new layer of skin each                                          year, and after many years we are thick                                         and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
  27. Laurie got offended that I used the word                                        "puke."  But to me, that's what her                                             dinner tasted like.
  28. If you're in a boxing match, try not to                                         let the other guy's glove touch your                                            lips, because you don't know where that                                         glove has been.
  29. It's too bad that whole families have to                                        be torn apart by something as simple as                                         wild dogs.
  30. Marta says the interesting thing about                                          fly fishing is that it's two lives                                              connected by a thin strand.  Come on,                                           Marta.  Grow up.
  31. The old pool shooter had won many a game                                        in his life.  But now it was time to hang                                       up the cue.  When he did, all the other                                         cues came crashing to the floor.                                                "Sorry, "he said with a smile.
  32. If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I                                            hope I am able to bring a certain                                               lightheartedness to the subject, in a way                                       that tells the reader we are going to                                           have fun with this thing.
  33. Even though he was an enemy of mine, I                                          had to admit that what he had                                                   accomplished was a brilliant piece of                                           strategy. First, he punched me, then he                                         kicked me, then he punched me again.
  34. Most people don't realize that large                                            pieces of coral, which have been painted                                        brown and attached to the skull by                                              common wood screws, can make a child                                            look like a deer.
  35. The sound of fresh rain run-off                                                 splashing from the roof reminded me of                                          the sound of urine splashing into a                                             filthy Texaco latrine.
  36. I think somebody should come up with a                                          way to breed a very large shrimp.  That                                         way, you could ride him, then, after you                                        camped at night, you could eat him.                                                How about it, science?
  37. When you go for a job interview, I think                                        a good thing to ask is if they ever                                             press charges.
  38. I bet the main reason the police keep                                           people away from a plane crash is they                                          don't want anybody walking in and lying                                         down in the crash stuff, then when                                              somebody comes up act like they just woke                                       up and go, "What was that?!"
  39. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on                                         your first date, I bet it's really                                              embarrassing if someone tries to kill                                           you.
  40. Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint                                          Francis suddenly appeared and knocked                                           the next pitch clean over the fence.  But                                       I think it was just a lucky swing.
  41. To bad there's not such a thing as a                                            golden skunk, because you'd probably be                                         proud to be sprayed by one.
  42. I bet one legend that keeps recurring                                           throughout history, in every culture, is                                        the story of Popeye.
  43. To me, truth is not some foggy notion.                                          Truth is real.  And, at the same time,                                          unreal.  Fiction and fact and everything                                        in between, plus some things I can't                                            remember, all rolled into one big                                               "thing."  This is truth to me.
  44. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall                                        on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is                                         to laugh.  But then I think, what if I                                          was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it                                         wouldn't seem quite so funny.
  45. You know what would make a good story?                                          Something about a clown who makes people                                        happy, but inside he's real sad.  Also,                                         he has severe diarrhea.
  46. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd                                           head off to go fishing.  But we wouldn't                                        be laughing that evening, when he'd come                                        back with some whore he picked up in                                            town.
  47. I think in one of my previous lives I                                           was a mighty king, because I like people                                        to do what I say.
  48. A man doesn't automatically get my                                              respect.  He has to get down in the dirt                                        and beg for it.
  49. As the evening sun faded from a salmon                                          color to a sort of flint gray, I thought                                        back to the salmon I caught that                                                morning, and how gray he was, and how I                                         named him Flint.
  50. If you're ever stuck in some thick                                              undergrowth, in your underwear, don't                                           stop and start thinking of what other                                           words have "under" in them, because                                             that's probably the first sign of jungle                                        madness.
  51. Sometimes the beauty of the world is so                                         overwhelming, I just want to throw back                                         my head and gargle.  Just gargle and                                            gargle, and I don't care who hears me,                                          because I am beautiful.
  52. I wish scientists would come up with a                                          way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with                                         a smaller head.  That way, they'd still                                         be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't                                         eat so much.
  53. I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat                                        pioneer woman in the back with an arrow,                                        and she fires her shotgun into the                                              ground as she falls over, is like the                                           top thing you can do.
  54. I think a good movie would be about a                                           guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets                                        hit on the head and it damages the part                                         of the brain that makes you want to                                             study the brain.
  55. If the Vikings were around today, they                                          would probably be amazed at how much                                            glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how                                         we take so much of it for granted.
  56. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the                                          ancients.  But we can't scoff at them                                           personally, to their faces, and this is                                         what annoys me.
  57. It's not good to let any kid near a                                             container that has a skull and                                                  crossbones on it, because there might                                           be a skeleton costume inside and the                                            kid could put it on and really scare you.
  58. If you had a school for professional                                            fireworks people, I don't think you                                             could cover fuses in just one class.                                            It's just too rich a subject.
  59. People think it would be fun to be a                                            bird because you could fly.  But they                                           forget the negative side, which is the                                          preening.
  60. I hope in the future Americans are                                              thought of as warlike, vicious people,                                          because I bet a lot of high schools                                             would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
  61. Sometimes I think the world has gone                                            completely mad.  And then I think, "Aw,                                          who cares?"  And then I think, "Hey,                                            what's for supper?"
  62. If you ever discover that what you're                                           seeing is a play within a play, just                                            slow down, take a deep breath, and hold                                         on for the ride of your life.
  63. I can see why it would be prohibited to                                         throw most things off the top of the                                            Empire State Building, but what's wrong                                         with little bits of cheese?  They                                               probably break down into their various                                          gases before they even hit.
  64. If you're a circus clown, and you have                                          a dog that you use in your act, I don't                                         think it's a good idea to also dress                                            the dog up like a clown, because people                                         see that and they think,"Forgive me, but                                        that's just too much."
  65. Here's a good joke to do during an                                              earthquake: straddle a big crack in the                                         ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa!                                        Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like                                         you're going to fall in.
  66. If you ever go temporarily insane, don't                                        shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.                                        Instead try to get some weeding done,                                           because you'd really be surprised.
  67. It makes me mad when people say I turned                                        and ran like a scared rabbit.  Maybe it                                         was like an angry rabbit, who was                                               running to go fight in another fight,                                           away from the first fight.
  68. I hope if dogs ever take over the world,                                        and they choose a king, they don't just                                         go by size, because I bet there are some                                        Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
  69. What is it that makes a complete                                                stranger dive into an icy river to save                                         a solid gold baby?  Maybe we'll never                                           know.
  70. Instead of having "answers" on a math                                           test, they should just call them                                                "impressions," and if you got a                                                 different "impression," so what, can't                                          we all be brothers?
  71. If God dwells inside us, like some                                              people say, I sure hope he likes                                                enchiladas, because that's what He's                                            getting!
  72. Probably to a shark, about the funniest                                         thing there is is a wounded seal, trying                                        to swim to shore, because where does he                                         think he's going?!
  73. Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble                                         efforts of my lifetime will someday be                                          noticed, and maybe, in some small way,                                          they will be acknowledged as the                                                greatest works of genius ever created                                           by Man.
  74.